We are almost 6 months into 2017; can you believe it? How are your resolutions and intentions going so far? Do you even remember what they were? If not, don’t worry –make new ones right now. If you do remember what they were, are you manifesting exactly what you wanted for 2017? Do you need to make some adjustments?
You may recall empowering self and others was an intention I set for myself in 2017. Though people often tell me they feel empowered after being with me, I didn’t really believe that about myself. As I created my 2017 intentions to be empowered and empower others, I really had my sister in mind. I longed for a close, related and empowering relationship with her; like the one I enjoy with my mom. I hadn’t yet realized in January, I was the only person who stood in the way of that relationship I so desired with her. To create a new relationship with her, I had to acknowledge all the ways I was sabotaging that relationship to begin with.
This chapter of my life begins the summer of 1987; a series of unfortunate events which ends in pain, mistrust and judgement.
The chatter in my head gets loud. Very loud, saying….
I don’t matter
I am unlovable
I am undesirable
I am not good enough
February 24, 2017: 30 years later
A diagnoses of stage 4 non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma is the news.
NO! That can’t be. My sister was sick. Very sick.
I come face to face with the possibility of losing her. Face to the face with the notion of having wasted 30 years sitting in pain, mistrust and judgement.
March 8th through 11th:
Angels cards say: See only Love; Ground Yourself; Ground Yourself again; Notice The Signs; Family; Let Go Of The Past.
As I struggle to understand my feelings and thoughts, I get very still and listen. I quiet the chatter in my head. I ask my angels to guide me. My angel Mark replies, “Who really has something to give up about this? What do YOU have to give up about this?”
I think I’m going to be sick. The knot in my throat is SO big, I can’t swallow. I lose my breath. My heart starts to pound. My hands are getting sweaty. I cry. The ugly cry. You know the one. Squished face. Snot running down. Tears flowing like waterfalls…yes, that cry! It’s 31 years’ worth of pain and upset finally leaving my body. I no longer have room for it. It no longer serves me. I am now freed-up to learn how to relate to one another as the people we are today vs who we were 30 years ago.
Ugly cry done. What’s next? I grab my notebook and a pen, curl up on the couch and begin to write. No censoring. I just write whatever comes up for me. I wrote 8 pages’ worth. I had to acknowledge my bad behavior and come clean on how I was sabotaging, judging, being self-righteous, making others wrong, feeling like a victim, all these years. And believe me, all these years I thought I had a damn good reason for behaving this way. The more I listened to my inner wisdom, I realized I was holding onto the stories I created in my own head, rather than the facts (a series of unfortunate events between me and my sister) of what really happened that summer. Every opportunity I got, I collected evidence to further my case making others wrong, justifying my behavior.
The time is now. I grab my note book, summon my courage and head to my sisters for a true confession.
It’s perfect timing. No one is visiting. Only my mom, my sis and I are there.
I can’t. I’m too scared.
Today is the day! Headed over to see my sis with my notebook in my arms and courage in my heart. I arrive. I lose my courage. I keep telling myself, now is the time. You CAN do this. I ask for guidance and courage, and before I can change my mind again, I begin to share….
I tell my sister, “My intention for 2017 was to create an empowered, deeply loving and connected relationship with you. I know the very best support I could offer during your healing journey is to ‘get’ and honor you fully, and to do that I have to….
Give up being right and making you wrong
Give up being self-righteous
Give up feeling sorry for you
Give up wanting something different and better for you
Give up believing I don’t matter to you
Give up believing I am owed something
I am committed to a powerful relationship based on truth, love and unconditional acceptance.”
We cry. Healing begins.
Because you see, if we don’t do thing differently, nothing will change. Now we have the freedom to create our future. Exactly how we want it to be rather than a default future that looks just like the past.
I did it. Better late than never takes on a new meaning for me.
Was it easy? Was it painless? Was it free from fear? No, but it was WORTH IT.
We are on this journey together. We will become a better and brighter version of ourselves for having experienced life unfolding just as it’s supposed to.
What do you have to give up to free yourself from old pain? From old thoughts and beliefs? What stories do you need to come clean about?
I am here to support you. Reach out – I promise to reach back.
Stay tuned for our upcoming seminar series. 5 sessions. 2 1/2 hours each. Infinite possibilities.
Until we meet again,