A friend of mine asked what I thought about New Year’s resolutions. I told her I didn’t really like them because they usually are superficial. How many years can I resolve to lose weight or be less judgmental or stop eating food I love that don’t love me back… I could really do all that but none of these resolutions will really contribute to my unfolding into my best self. These are all symptoms of a deeper need to resolve something inside my soul.
Instead, every year I take on a new way of being that really does have deep and lasting effects on my life. Post lay off, I knew my intentions for 2016 had to include something about allowing my life to unfold without my pushing, pulling, manipulating, pretending… It had to include a strengthened sense of faith… And most certainly a piece on being gentle to myself and those around me, but mostly being gentle with me.
It’s now been 5 months since I heard, “your position has been impacted by the reduction in force.” 4 months since I last set foot in my old office, and 2 months since I created my intentions for 2016 – Faith. Allowing. Gentle unfolding.
Wanna know how I’m doing??? Some good days. Some really bad days. Some sad, some relieved, some angry. Some just ok. As my daughter would have said many moons ago, I have spaghetti feelings!
I am practicing my intentions daily. I am leaning on my Faith, knowing that I am not alone. My strength come from my beloved source and knowing that together we CAN create an extraordinary life. Allowing is a little more challenging. Some days I get that when things don’t happen as I’d like, there is a reason, and other days, it just pisses me off! I mean really, why can’t just one of these great job interviews I have had, come complete with an equally great job offer? Can I be so totally wrong about my perception of how the job interview went? Can I be so wrong about how people are reading me? Can I be so off thinking that the people interviewing me are as connected and interested in me as I am in them? This process totally stinks and I hate that I’m even having to deal with it.
AAAHHHH… I feel better now.
Gentle unfolding – this is the hardest lesson yet. This, to me, feels like the result of Faith and Allowing tied up in a pretty bow. So when one or the other is out of whack, gentle unfolding is not gently unfolding! It’s more like trying to ride a bike with triangles for wheels… can you picture that? Kathunk, kathunk, kathunk.
I have been playing with these ideas in my head for months now, and yesterday morning as I taught my Dance Mixx class I realized something HUGE. “…got the ability to take a broken dream and with a four letter word redefine what it means.” TyDi and Melanie Fontana sing about Love as the 4 letter word. My 4 letter word is, well, I have two: LIFE and WORK.
I realized while I was lifting, squeezing and shifting that I had to redefine what WORK meant in my LIFE. I no longer had to sit in front of a computer because that’s what I’ve done for so many years. I no longer had to stay on top of every email because that’s what was expected. I no longer had to pass up on lunch dates with my besties because that felt irresponsible.
I had to grant myself permission to redefine what a day in the life of Susan Jentzsch looks like. Writing that makes me so happy. It relieves the incredible stress I put upon myself to sit in front of the computer for 8 hours straight as if the people who I interviewed with had a camera in my house and could see how dedicated and hardworking I am; or as if clicking the check mail button for the 500th time in 1 hour would render a different result than the previous 499 clicks; or that somehow my sitting in front of the computer for 8 hours straight, would miraculously erase the facts of the last 5 months. Like I could somehow ‘pretend’ that my life was the same because I was doing the same things…. Ick – that is just crazy! I couldn’t see that even just last week; it lived in my blind spot. It lived in a decision I made 20 years ago that defined what my work day looked like.
Allowing myself to ‘redefine’ my work day feels powerful, freeing, fun, exciting and has brought me back to LIFE. I am no longer trapped in my own box. I no longer sit in front of the computer all day.
Yes, I am continuing my search for WORK and in the meantime, enjoying my LIFE as I learn how to allow for its gentle unfolding.
If you’re needing to redefine any part of your life and need a little help getting started, please reach out to me. I will be happy to share the tools I used.
PS – thank you Suzanne, Deanna and Hollan. Unbeknownst to you, our conversations have had a major contribution in my ability to REDEFINE.
Until we meet again, be well!